adrenaline rush

last night was another "here comes adrenaline rushed words" night. when i get too angry about something to someone really close to my heart i can't help but to blurt out words i never had too. well, i was too patient enough that for the past years of our relationship never did i blurted out hurtful words. he keeps on saying nasty things to me though. he even cursed me and in every argument i never felt any respect at all. the way he speaks to me when he's not in the mood or angry is very intolerable, though i tolerated it for years. it became inevitable for me not to fight back. i mean, come on he's been a jerk for sometime it think it's time for me to be a bitch right? not bitch, "BITCH" but a girl who knows how to defend herself. is that so wrong? i know i made a point to last night's argument about "joking" so he blocked all of our connections. whenever i made a point he gets angry like this like it's always my fault. come on. what a jerk. even if i'm saying all these things, i hate the fact that i still love him no matter what. i don't know why! he treats me like crap but still i love him. what in the world is wrong with me!!! i can't even use my exclusive accounts in fb and twitter to pour all these things to. because he will never like the fact that i said all these things. thank God no one knows who am i in this blog. i can say anything i want and that's so cool right. anyway, i tried to call him, he didn't answer. i actually tried to call him a lot of times and yes no answer. all i ever do was be nice to him and this is what i got. i don't know what to do anymore, i want to give up but i love him. did i mention no one knows he has a girlfriend except his family and bestfriend. his other friends don't know a thing. hahahaha. i am a lucky girl, am i???? hahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA. seriously! this is making me crazzy!!!

dreams

do you have something in mind that you want to achieve ever since you were a kid? have you ever had the vision of what you will do after high school? what course do you want to take, what school do you want to go, what place do you want to live. these are common questions that a fresh high school graduate asks themselves every year. after they got the their answers, i wonder if how many of those kids made the right choice, how many of those quit after the 1st semester? college was a roller coaster ride for me. i've taken my bachelor's degree for 5 and a half years. 2 reasons, 1. i shifted my course in favor of my parent's wishes. 2. i encountered some problem including my boyfriend during that time (long story, can't be summed up into one post and no, no one got pregnant) this college thing was something new. i was a dorky girl, no fashion sense but hey i'm pretty enough. :) so anyway, my 1st year in college was awesome, i met some friends, learned to party with friends and i learned how to be responsible. i learned that college wasn't easy, you have to study hard to pass every subject. the city was nice in every sense, the dormitory which i live in is not very nice but i love the girls i live with. they are the nicest people you will ever meet. 2nd year college was also fun, girls started to get used to the city and they started to have boyfriends just like me. after my 2nd year in college, a lot of things changed, i shift to other course that i don't even like, i transferred to a school that i hate and my boyfriend and i broke up, without me knowing it... that pretty much summed it all up. haha. so my dream is to become a renowned doctor, hey a girl can dream. i never planned this to be more time consuming as it was already. no one knew this would happen, i planned my career all my life and all of those dreams vanished when i transferred. i never wanted to be a nurse but i can say i pretty much enjoyed the whole experience. it was a great ride, actually. being physically around the patients is a lot of fun. but the learning is too practical, it lacks from real learning. i can mock nursing all day long if you want me to but i wont do that today. i'm still contemplating if i'm going to take up medicine or not. i'm torn between money and dream. i want to have a job right away but at the same time i want to pursue my dream. you know that feeling when all of your friends are earning a lot already and you're still depending on your parents. that sucks. but i want to be someone. i want to reach my dreams. i want to attend my alumni homecoming party wearing a white coat. hahahahahahaha..

and i'm back!

Hey blog, we meet again. I haven't blogged for like forever. Well, that's because my rants about life are in twitter now because it's easier to access for quick bashing and ranting. It's not my personal account though, i just made an account for bashing that i don't want others to know about. Anyway, writing these reasons have no sense at all, it's not like i have a follower here or something to feel sorry for. I'm merely talking to myself yes? :)


So why am i here, again? Oh right, i have some realizations in life. (Maybe not realization, just something to rant about) so here we go. :))


Well, i have a boyfriend, we've been together for YEARS now but..

#1. he never seemed to be proud of me, as in ever. I can feel that he don't want others to know about us. (It makes me feel insecure)

#2. he have this incredible temper that everything i do seems to pushes his hot button.

I really don't know how to react about it. I don't want to be demanding and shallow but it makes me feel so small everytime.
Hey, i'm not the prettiest girl in the world you'll ever see, but i look decent enough! I put an effort in caring for myself physically. I may not be on the top of the class but i am better than the other students, i'm not stupid! I may not be an elite socialite, but hey i'm not as poor as a rat. I'm just an ordinary girl, not a trophy girlfriend. Maybe that's what he feels about it, i'm not a trophy gf so why bother show everyone in facebook and twitter that he's in a relationship with me for years? Well, that's how i feel about it.

Let's talk about #2 then, i'm not someone you would consider to be a hard-to-handle-girlfriend. I am someone who can be as boring as he wants me to be, no social life just a home buddy. I do that just to make him feel at ease that i'm not cheating with anyone else. If I ever decided to go out i wouldn't bother telling him because that's war. I'm in a cage, to sum it all up.

The realization that i am talking about is that:
#1 i'm stupid
#2 i need him to stop doing those things to me
#3 i can't do it
#4 i feel sorry for myself (and i hate that feeling)

I know no one will ever read this blogpost but if it happens that someone will ever read this, give me your thoughts.