adrenaline rush

last night was another "here comes adrenaline rushed words" night. when i get too angry about something to someone really close to my heart i can't help but to blurt out words i never had too. well, i was too patient enough that for the past years of our relationship never did i blurted out hurtful words. he keeps on saying nasty things to me though. he even cursed me and in every argument i never felt any respect at all. the way he speaks to me when he's not in the mood or angry is very intolerable, though i tolerated it for years. it became inevitable for me not to fight back. i mean, come on he's been a jerk for sometime it think it's time for me to be a bitch right? not bitch, "BITCH" but a girl who knows how to defend herself. is that so wrong? i know i made a point to last night's argument about "joking" so he blocked all of our connections. whenever i made a point he gets angry like this like it's always my fault. come on. what a jerk. even if i'm saying all these things, i hate the fact that i still love him no matter what. i don't know why! he treats me like crap but still i love him. what in the world is wrong with me!!! i can't even use my exclusive accounts in fb and twitter to pour all these things to. because he will never like the fact that i said all these things. thank God no one knows who am i in this blog. i can say anything i want and that's so cool right. anyway, i tried to call him, he didn't answer. i actually tried to call him a lot of times and yes no answer. all i ever do was be nice to him and this is what i got. i don't know what to do anymore, i want to give up but i love him. did i mention no one knows he has a girlfriend except his family and bestfriend. his other friends don't know a thing. hahahaha. i am a lucky girl, am i???? hahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA. seriously! this is making me crazzy!!!